Arthur Pendragon and the Chat Show Chat Up
by lawla
Summary: Crack fic where Arthur goes on a Jeremy Kyle-like show to talk over his problems with characters such as Gwen, Merlin, Uther, Morgana, Mordred, Morgause and Lancelot. Rated for occassional language. Hopefully funny, but who knows :L
1. Chapter 1: Arthur

**AN: Okay, this is going to either be a terrible disaster or pretty good so we'll have to see. Hopefully, it'll be the later but I tend to write lots of angst for a reason :L. But basically, it's a crack fic where Arthur goes on a Jeremy Kyle-like show (strangely hosted by Keremy Hyle ;]) and talks over his problems with various characters. (This is a pisstake btw - I love Merlin and I'm ashamed to say, the Keremy Jyle show cheers me up rather a lot when I'm ill ;)]**

**Disclaimer: Merlin doesn't belong to me *sniff*, though it's christmas soon so if the owner's watching.... ;)**

**Review my pretties?**

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"Hello and welcome to the Keremy Jyle show, Camelot's most popular chatshow! _Well, Camelot's only chatshow!_ Today, my lovelies, we have an absolute cracker for you! Joining us today in the studio will be," _drumroll_, "the heir to Camelot himself, Prrrrrrinceeeeeeeeeee Arthurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Mad cheering from an army of pubescent girls fills the studio.

"What a fine lad. He's on the show to get some answers from not one, not two, not three, not even four of his friends. Nope, Prince Arthur has SEVEN people he has a problem with - _the kid has issues, I'm telling you_ - and he's come here to sort them out! So how about that, eh? _This'll get the viewers in if nothing else does_. Join us today as we play '_The Weakest Link_'."

Silence.

"Oh. Erm, bit of confusion there folks. _Geez what do they expect when I have to double for Anne Robison? _Nothing to worry about, really."

A wild cheering of 'We want Arthur' rises suddenly to a crescendo and Keremy Jyle visibly flinches as a globule of spittle from a nearby chav lands on the shoulder of his jacket.

"_Disgusting_. Alright, alright, he's coming now! I'd like to welcome to the stage Prince Arthur!!!!"

A chorus of 'marry me' and 'I love you' ring out over the speakers to be met by silence. Flabbergasted, Keremy Jyle turns the colour of beetroot as he realises the microphone's transmitted his words for all the studio to hear. Including a crimson prince who takes to his seat with a dignified silence.

"Erm, problem with the mic there, folks. Nothing to worry about. I mean it. Soooooo Arthur – lets drop all the pretentions. Here, you're just an ordinary guy with a shitload of problems and no intelligence to sort them out yourself."

"I –"

"No, don't speak! _It's all about tension you know._ Right. So what's your problem Artie. I can call you Artie, can't I? Or Art? Arthur's just such a handful to say…"

"Arthur, if you please."

"Right. _Kid reckons he's posh. _So, _Arthur. _Introduce yourself to the audience."

"But haven't you already –"

"Don't argue."

"Ermm, I'm Arthur..?"

"And who've you brought with you today, Arthur? Got a lot of problems haven't you kid? _Fucked up in the head, this one is._"

"My dad. And Merlin. And Gwen. And Lancelot. And –"

"So you're bringing on King Uther – _bastard _- some servant boy, your girlfriend, your sister – _ooft I would _– your friend – _you have friends? – _Mordred, and some other hot chick who's a Nimueh mark two."

"Yes, that's what I was –

"Now you've had a tragic life haven't you Arthur? You killed your mother at birth, fell in love with your sister –"

"Adopted sister."

"– shagged a maid –"

"That's completely inappropriate."

"- got pissed off when the maid shagged someone else, been tricked into almost killing your father, met the kid that's going to murder you –"

"Alright, alright!"

Each crime is punctuated with a gasp from the audience.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Keremy Jyle demands. "A DNA test? Lie detector? Counselling?"

"No –"

"Well what do you expect me to do? I'm not a magician, man!"

"Actually," Arthur admits lowering his voice. "I'm only here because Gaius' paying me a tenner. He says he doesn't know what else to do with me. Apparently, I have issues, whatever that means. Me! Issues! I'm like, the finest dude in the world –"

"_Yes you are."_

"Sorry, did you say something?"

"No no, nothing." Keremy Jyle sighs. "Continue."

"I mean, my mother died because of my father, so what? And this kid who's like five years old –"

"TWELVE!" comes a shout from off-stage.

"– six years old is going to kill me, but you know, shit happens. And yes, Merlin's lied to me for like, ever, and Morgana's gone all evil and strange in the head, and Morgause blatantly can't wait to get into my pants, but it's all in the life of a prince, you know? Next you're going to be telling me that Lancelot slept with Gwen or something!"

"But she did?"

"Oh yeah."

And without warning, the prince bursts into tears.

"I just can't take it anymore! They all hate me! Everyone expects me to be this strong, superior kind of human being – which I am, I'm not going to lie – but it's SOOOO hard always being the hero. I mean seriously, they always underestimate how hard it is for the good looking one! Especially when they're wealthy and a prince and have a penis the size of –"

"RIGHTTTTT…" Keremy Jyle looks shifty as he tries to his something in his lap. "So basically, your life's ruined! You might as well go and slit your wrists and rock in a corner listening to emotional lyrics."

"Inat mate. I mean, everything's such a struggle for me. It's hard to be this pompous and arrogant all the time, you know? People don't respect me! It's so –"

Keremy Jyle yawns.

"Ermm sorry. Were you talking? Sometimes, I just zone out, ya' know? Maybe you should stick to being silence and let your face do the talking for you, eh?"

"Ri-"

"No, don't talk. Well, the time's come to bring out our first guest, so ladies and, er, chavs, raise your hands for…"

"For?"

"I'm building up suspense. _You're killing me here man!_"

"Sorry."

"Please welcome, with minimal booing I might add, Gwen Cooper!"

Silence.

"_Damn it, that's next week._"


	2. Chapter 2: Guinevere

**AN: Right, it's a return of this fic I'm afraid, this time with Gwen (who I tried not to rip too much :L)**

**Reply to Don't You Know Who I am: I am trying, believe me - I suck at anything other than angst :L. Hopefully it'll be funnier this time, but if not, I'm really, really sorry :/**

**Review my pretties? ;)**

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Gwen entered the stage to an uproar of boos and hisses that did not subside until Keremy Jyle had physically gagged several of the audience members. Even the threat of Uther Pendragon cutting off their heads had not been enough to silence the mob, and several of them had even been brave enough to throw rotten fruit at the maid until Keremy had complained of all the rats that would get into the studio. That had stopped the little beggars quick, though some of them were still staring wildly at the maid as if they wanted to throttle her.

"_Quite right to._ Now Guinevere," the host began. "I've got a very important question to ask you."

Gwen widened her doey eyes and said, "Okay."

"Now this might be very hard for you, so I want you to think about it."

"Okay."

"What –"

"Okay."

"No, I haven't asked the question yet."

"Oh."

"Do you think you can wait for me to say it?"

"Yep."

"What -"

"Okay."

"No, you've got to let me ask the question before you can answer it."

"Okay."

"NO, WOMAN! Let me _finish _the sodding question before you say anything else. Anything at all. Okay?"

"Oh." Gwen giggled. "Sometimes I can just be so _blonde_!" The audience of bleach blonde teens hissed. "I mean, I'm not even blonde! That's so rad! No offense, Arthur, but everyone knows _you've_ got the IQ of a dishcloth."

"Thank you," the prince said grinning blissfully whilst Keremy Jyle mimed resuscitating himself in the background.

"Geez. You're the next bloody Stephen Hawking aren't you? _Idiot. Fit though._"

The inane grin continued, the sarcasm washing completely over the Prince's head.

"Cheers. I do pride myself on being a very clever, receptive, intelligent, egomaniacal, beautiful, charismatic, wonderful, charming, smiling, cheerful, moody, gorgeous, stunning, generous –"

Half an hour later when everyone woke up, the prince was still going.

" – amazing, funny, sexy, beautific, cool, wonderific, awesome, friendily, breath-taking, splendid, posh, worthy, charmining, striking, handsome and sociable individual."

"I think Arthur Pendragon's just invented several hundred new words everyone!"

The army of fan girls cheered madly and banged their fists on their seats, though most of them had never picked up a dictionary in their lives unless it was to smoke it.

"Woah, really?"

"_Why do I even bother? _Right. Now Arthur. Fill us in on your background with Gwen."

"Erm, who's that?"

"What the hell do you – She's her, that's her, THAT WOMAN THERE IS HER!"

"Oh, you mean Guinevere!" Arthur grins as if he's just worked out how many light years it is from here to the moon. "You should have said."

Keremy Jyle slapped his hand to his forehead. All the while, Guinevere was hopping up in down in her seat with her hand up.

"YES?"

"Erm, weren't you going to ask me a question? Because like, I can totally answer it now."

"NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO ASK A SODDING QUESTION! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TALK OR SMILE OR EVEN BREATHE. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Gwen bit her lip, her eyes growing watery as if she was about to burst into tears.

"You're really mean."

"Yes, I'm mean. Now stop using up my . Lets watch the video, shall we?"

The rickety screen above their heads cracked into action to show Arthur posing in his clothes. And in his armour. And his royal robes. And in his night clothes. And his underwear…

"Right, right! The next tape, the next tape!"

The next tape did not come soon enough. A thousand fan girls screamed wildly as Arthur flexed his muscles, flossed his teeth and plucked his eyebrows. In the nude.

"Wow," said Arthur when the screen suddenly cut out. "That looks a lot like my bathroom. And me actually."

Keremy Jyle squirmed visibly in his seat.

"Haha. What a funny thing to say… _Note to self: remove CCTV cameras from Arthur's bathroom. _Anyway, let's get on with the RIGHT video!"

Another film cracked into action, this time showing Arthur sat in a darkened room playing air guitar to My Chemical Romance. Then it switched to him staring out of the window. The stage directions he'd been given had said 'dreamily', but Arthur was whooping and waving at the hot chicks that had just walked past the window.

"Yeah. You're looking mighty fine!" The screen cut to air guitar again. "I'm just so depressed," he said after a while, in a voice that didn't sound very depressed at all. Actually, to most of the audience, he just seemed bemused as if the whole thing was going over the top of his head. It probably was. "My girlfriend's cheated on me with one of my friends and now she says she can't make her mind up who she wants." There was more silence as Arthur began to gyrate around the room singing an Elvis song. Several audience members covered their ears.

"So," Keremy Jyle said after what do you have to say about this, Gwen?"

Actually, Gwen had nothing to say because she had passed out in her chair, her skin looking an odd blue colour.

"We've got another fainter!" Keremy Jyle shouted.

"Wow," said Arthur with starry eyes. "I've always wanted to meet a smurf!"

After Gwen was brought round by the medics (and a few sneaky slaps from Keremy Jyle when he thought the audience wasn't looking), the interview continued. The audience, like the show's host, yawned as she spoke – they were more interested in seeing more of Arthur's home videos. Arthur, however, was occupied in trying to find out where the smurf had gone.

"So, erm, yeah," dithered Gwen in a ridiculous, high-pitched voice. "I don't know which one I like really. I mean obviously Arthur's rich and a prince but Lancelot – well he's just such a stud in the bedroom! And he's so well endowed… Oh, I just can't decide. Eeeny, meeny, miny, moe –"

"CATCH A FISHY BY ITS TOE!" roared Arthur making everyone in the studio jump. As he chortled with laughter and clapped his fists together like a baby, Gwen looked on beaming. "IF IT SQUEALS, LET IT GO! EEENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!"

"That was beautiful," sighed Gwen twirling a strand of dark hair around her fingers. Not manicured, Keremy Jyle thought with disgust as he admired his own, perfectly preened nails.

"Now Arthur," he said placing a perfect hand on Arthur's arm. "Why don't you tell Guinevere how this makes you feel?"

"Erm, sad?"

"Can you elaborate on that?"

"Very sad?"

"Like there's a void within you?" Keremy prompted. "A deep, black hole where there's no light at all? A sorrow that never leaves you. Are you depressed? Suicidal? Angry? It's okay to let your emotions out, Arthur."

"Actually," said the prince with a shrug, "I'm not that bothered. I'd rather have Morgana anyway."

Keremy Jyle slapped his forehead and sighed.

"_Why do I bother?_"


End file.
